I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Randomize
