I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Randomize
