he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
