That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
