Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
