I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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