i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
