Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Randomize
