I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
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