so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i think my cat just said my name.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize