i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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