i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
