Pregnant stripper...not hot.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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