I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
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