wanna go halves on a baby?
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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