I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
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Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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