just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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