you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
