I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
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