I can text with my tongue
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Randomize
