I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Randomize
