My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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