I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
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