My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
i love accidental penises.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
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