i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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