Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Even my vagina gasped.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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