I wish you could order shots online.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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