Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I wish there were birth control emojis
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
