I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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