On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
