I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
