WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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