i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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