i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
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