Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
