it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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