You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
