So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
