i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Randomize
