i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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