Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I'm up to 9 pic of different guys. I need 4 more boys and each one of the 13 to submit 3 additional pics. I wanna make a penis deck of cards.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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