ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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