i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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