I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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