"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Randomize
