this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
