i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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