I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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