He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
