He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
