I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
She even gives head with a lisp.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Mom said you looked used
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
