Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
