Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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