lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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