please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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