I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
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