Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
if only i could text you this smell
I really don't want to move...I'm having a motivation problem.
kev is about to show us pictures of the tranny he accidentally fucked last night.
I'll be there in 10
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
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