I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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