i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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