Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
